Honoring Families through Loss

Honoring Families through Loss / By Kaitlyn McEntire

At some point in your photography career, life and death will inevitably collide. Maybe it already has. Perhaps a past client unexpectedly lost a pregnancy or a baby or a child or a parent. Perhaps you have a new client who is coming to you for their rainbow baby’s newborn session. What can we – as photographers – do for these clients? What can we say? How can we serve them well?

As a family and birth photographer who donates bereavement photography often, I’m familiar with these questions. I am even trained in supporting families through death and loss (most specifically, pregnancy and infant loss). I define bereavement photography as capturing images in the context of death and grief. For me, that usually looks like donated birth photography and sessions shortly following a stillbirth or surrounding a family’s very limited time with their baby. 

The good news? There is much we photographers can say and do to be there for loss families in a positive way. And there is much good we can provide to these families we serve and love.

Honoring Families through Loss / By Kaitlyn McEntire

Note: my loss clients almost ubiquitously experience pregnancy or infant loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, or death of a baby, often very shortly after birth), so I’m going to share from that perspective. But I’ve heard many similar things from friends and family who’ve lost other loved ones (aka not babies), and feel that this advice can be helpful in most situations of loss (a parent, a spouse, older child, etc.).

Stay Grounded in What We Can Do for Loss Families

First, let’s be clear from the very beginning: we can’t “fix” our clients’ grief, we can’t bring their loved one back, or control how they’ll grieve or the emotions they’re feeling. We can, however, provide meaningful images to these families and be a safe place and positive touch point in their grieving. And be assured – even these simple things can be deeply and profoundly powerful.

Why Photographs are Meaningful in Grief and Loss

Why are photographs meaningful for loss families? A story a wedding photographer once shared with me always comes to mind. One of her former bridal clients reached out to request a picture of her grandfather from her wedding, to use for his funeral. Turns out, that photo from the wedding was the last professional photo of taken of him, so the family wanted to use it in celebrating his life. I’ve since documented many beautiful deceased babies with their families, and heard time and time again just how much those photographs mean to their living families throughout their grief journeys.

As photographers, we preserve memories, moments, milestones; when they are a person’s *last* milestone moment, or a family’s last memory together before a loss, those images carry another layer of meaning.

Honoring Families through Loss / By Kaitlyn McEntire

Including Lost Loved Ones in Sessions

After their loss, we can provide loss families with meaningful images as they remember, honor, and even celebrate these beloved family members during photography sessions after their loss. Here are some ideas:

1. Create a safe space for families to share about their dead loved ones. Create opportunities for your client to share about their stillborn baby or late spouse even starting at your pre-session consultations. This can be a powerful connection point. If families can trust you with their beloved family members, they can trust you with their photos!

2. Incorporate memorial items into your session. Some common items include stuffed animals (often weighted to baby’s birth weight), urns, hand or footprint molds, or memorial jewelry.

3. Include subtle tributes to the late family members. They can wear a favorite color, hold a bouquet of their birth flower(s), or have your session at a meaningful location.

4. Be sure to highlight these details in your images. I love to ask the family to connect with their remembrance pieces just like they would if that family member were physically present. Example: gently touch your baby’s memorial necklace while also playing with your living child’s hair.

5. Talk about their lost loved one by name. Throughout the session, refer to the late loved one using their name. This can feel a little awkward at first, but most families deeply appreciate others remembering their loved one in this way.

Honoring Families through Loss / By Kaitlyn McEntire

Creating a Safe Space for Grief

For families to trust you with their stories, they must first feel that you are a safe person to share their grief. They may have previously shared their grief with others, only to be met with obvious discomfort, dismissiveness, or insensitive comments. What can you do to be different?

— Be willing to sit in the uncomfortable space of talking about death and grief without running away from it, ignoring it, minimizing it, or judging it.

— Keep your client centered in all your conversations, and validate their experience.

— Avoid the inclination to “fix” their grief. Remember, it’s not our job to fix or make any of their feelings or pain better or different.

— Give them space and power to decide what things are meaningful in remembering their loved one.

— Avoid using insensitive language like “everything happens for a reason” or “at least you had many years together.” These feel invalidating and are often hurtful. What helps most is simple presence, sincerity, and permission for them to grieve in their own way.

— Thank them for sharing their heart and their stories. You can keep it simple. “Thank you for sharing about your person with me; I can tell that you love them very much.”

Supporting Current Clients through a Death and Grief

Sometimes grief and loss reach your current clients. Maybe a maternity client miscarried or experienced a stillbirth, or a family client received a diagnosis of a terminal illness. In these situations, here are some things that you can do to support them during their loss:

1. For miscarriages and stillbirths, offer bereavement photography, or help them find someone who can take these photos. These are likely to be the only professional photos of their baby, so be extra mindful to backup your photos, and consider leaving the gallery online indefinitely, even if that’s not your standard practice. If you are uncomfortable photographing a deceased baby, you can always be a resource to connect them to bereavement photographers in your area.

2. Follow up. Reach out on anniversaries, due dates, and milestones. A “Thinking of you and [name]” message can be very meaningful.

3. Support practically. Connect them with resources, coordinate help through their support network, or attend memorials if invited.

4. Gift something personal. You can gift them photo prints or keepsakes including jewelry, stuffed animals made from their loved one’s clothes, etc. Include something for each member of the family if possible (dad’s and children grieve, too).

Remember: support yourself emotionally so that you’re available to support them. Debrief with a trusted friend or family members, find a therapist, move your body, be diligent about sleep, journal, and more!

Simple is Powerful

As photographers, we can do a lot of good for our grieving clients. Though it may seem *too* simple (or not helpful enough), offering opportunities to remember and celebrate lost loved ones and being a safe space to share that grief are, simply, invaluable.

Honoring Families through Loss / By Kaitlyn McEntire

Hello, friend! I’m Kaitlyn McEntire, a birth and motherhood photographer, videographer, and doula based in Colorado Springs. I consider myself a people-loving nerd of a soul (enneagram 2w3!), Christ-follower, and up until this year, girl mom (aka our first little boy after three amazing girls is coming our way this fall). Photography started as a creative outlet for me while in engineering school… and then I birthed my oldest. Her birth called me deeply and profoundly into the birth space and everything surrounding it – birth photography, doula support, documenting pregnancy and postpartum, and serving the loss families that birth their babies but don’t get to bring them home. I believe that photos and videos play a major role in not only celebrating, but emotionally processing all of life’s tender transitions, and treasure being welcomed into every tender moment to provide meaningful documentation and support for my clients.

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